


Don't mind me, all I gave was everything

by Rainbow_Child



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Confessions, Coping, Developing Relationship, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-17 02:09:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21046574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainbow_Child/pseuds/Rainbow_Child
Summary: It's been almost three months since the tsunami. The scars are still visible all over the city, and some will probably never fade completely, but it's getting better every day.A lot of things are getting better every day. Not all of them, though.One moment of inattention reveals that some wounds might need longer to heal. And Buck learns that you can only pretend to be fine for so long before it all starts tumbling down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Survivor Guilt" by Rise Against
> 
> My first fic in this fandom, and also my first fic in a long, long time, so I'm kind of nervous. This might be two or three parts all in all, depending on how the chapters break up.
> 
> No warnings for this that I could think of. There will be a description of a panic attack later on in the story, but nothing in this chapter.  
Also, I'm very much winging all medical details.
> 
> Canon-compliant until 3.03

Eddie Diaz is a master strategist, if he may say so himself.

His shift-plan this week has been absolutely crazy. The 118 ended up severely understaffed due to the flu putting a number of people out of commission. _The Plague_, as Hen nicknamed it after the fifth person had called in sick by Wednesday, has led to Eddie pulling extra hours whenever possible, yet still by Thursday they had to bring in personnel from the 173 to make up for the loss in manpower. So all in all, it's safe to say that it has been an exhausting week.

Now it is Saturday, Eddie does not have to be back at the station until Sunday evening, and he finally has two full days to spend with Christopher, and maybe get some rest and relaxation in between. Or rather, he could have two full days for all that, if it wasn't for this all the household chores that have been neglected over the week. Eddie for sure didn't have any time for mundane things like laundry or vacuuming, and those jobs definitely don't fall into Carla's realm of responsibilities whenever she's looking after Christopher.

And since the danger of _The Plague_ wreaking even more havoc during the upcoming week is still very much a possibility, Eddie should probably get as much around the house done as quickly as possible, so that he has plenty of quality time left to spend with his son.

Which is where Eddie's tactical genius comes in.

His one indulgence this morning has been to sleep in for an hour longer than normal. Since then, though, he has run a load of laundry, unloaded and re-loaded the dishwasher, cleaned up the entire kitchen, and cleared away the arts and craft corner that has somehow sprung to life in his living room over the past week. Vacuuming the living room and bedrooms has served the double purpose of waking up Christopher, and while his son was busy munching down his cereal with bleary eyes, Eddie put in another load of laundry and gave the bathroom a quick but efficient wipe-down.

But a child that is clean, fed and dressed as well as a house that shows a baseline of order and cleanliness is only half the battle. They're running low on pretty much any kind food that isn't the half-empty glass of olives at the back of the fridge, the origin of which Eddie can't quite recall. Which means a shopping trip to stock up on everything is inevitable. And that either means a lengthy grocery shopping trip with an eight year old who has little to no patience for groceries, or the application of a different strategy.

Divide and conquer.

Eddie Diaz, tactical genius.

Which is why, half an hour later, Eddie finds himself pushing a shopping cart through the grocery store. Alone. Eddie has always prided himself on how he raises Christopher to be as well-adjusted as possible. He wants him to be able to do things on his own, and to feel normal. Christopher has an independent streak a mile wide to prove it. But sometimes, especially when time is of the essence, that independence can seriously test Eddie's patience.

Which is why he is shopping alone now, while Buck is taking Christopher to the park. It's a win-win for everyone, really. Eddie can get the shopping done quickly, he can cross '_take Christopher outside_' from today's to-do-list, and it keeps Buck occupied, too. Come to think of it, that scenario means he can cross '_get Buck to go outside_' off of today's list, as well. And it's not like he had to twist Buck's arm to get him to do it, either.

It's been almost three months since the tsunami. The scars are still visible all over the city, and some will probably never fade completely, but it's getting better every day. A lot of things are getting better every day. Christopher's nightmares aren't gone entirely, but they're getting fewer and farther in between. Therapy helped, talking about that day helped, being with Buck whenever it became obvious that the boy needed the presence of someone who had shared his experience helped. Christopher will probably always carry that day with him, but hopefully the scars will be minimal.

Buck...well. Buck is Buck. Whenever Christopher needs anything, whatever it is that he needs, Buck is there. At times, it frustrates Eddie that he cannot help his son because he wasn't there during those terror-filled moments when the water was threatening to drag them away. But Buck never seems to mind, even during those nights when Eddie calls him up at 3 a.m. because Christopher needs to hear his voice before he can fall asleep again. Eddie is sure Buck has nightmares of his own to deal with, but being with Christopher seems to help.

Being back at work seems to help, too, even if he's only cleared for light duty. Truth be told, Eddie has never seen someone take to cleaning equipment with the same fervor that Buck has shown over the past four weeks since he's been allowed to come back, but he decides to take it as a good sign. And man, Buck hated the medical supervision of his life that was necessary to get him to this point. But if the events of the tsunami had shown something, then that you could take Buck out of the fire-station, but you couldn't take the firefighter out of him.

No more blood clots have been detected, so the blood thinners must have done their work. By now, Buck has been off the medication for four weeks, because his doctors are convinced that the initial clots were caused by the surgery and Buck pushing his recovery, and not by an underlying condition. He's still under strict supervision, but if he remains clot-free for another eight weeks, his light-duty status will go up for revision. It seems to give Buck the goal he needs.

There's still moments when Eddie worries that something is up, though. There are instances when Buck gets that faraway look in his eyes, days when he seems surprised that Eddie calls him up or asks him to spend time with Christopher, moments when he almost seems worried that Eddie is going to change his mind, though about what, Eddie isn't sure. It's small glimpses, flashes that seem to pass as quickly as they come, but they're there, a nagging worry, an itch Eddie can't quite scratch.

Taking Christopher to the park will probably help, though. Chris has been a bundle of energy this morning, and the fact that his breakfast has consisted of sugary cereal probably hasn't helped, either. With any luck, they're going to power each other out a little, and the rest of this Saturday is going to be relaxed and easy. Eddie is going to cook them a nice lunch, and maybe in the afternoon, they'll take Christopher out for something low-key. There's a new mini-golf place they've been wanting to try out for a while now.

Eddie quickly works his way through his shopping list, eager to get home and get started on lunch. On a whim, he adds some packs of microwave popcorn to his cart on the way to the checkout counter. It feels like a movie-night kind of day. And depending on how much greens and salad he'll manage to make those two eat for lunch, he might even let them talk him into having pizza for dinner.

Maybe. He might need the pizza as a tactical incentive later, so he's keeping his options open.

The supermarket is blessedly empty for a Saturday morning. Eddie finishes his shopping, pays and gets everything loaded into his car. A week's worth of shopping in less than an hour, that has to be a new record. It doesn't take long before he's back home in his kitchen, putting away groceries and pulling out everything he's going to need to get started on lunch.

The thing is, Eddie loves cooking. Being a single father for so long, it's a necessary and acquired skill, of course, and a lot of time it's something that needs to get done as quickly as possible. He's no Bobby, but by now Eddie has a lot of practice in getting a nutritious meal done in a minimal amount of time. During those rare times that he actually has the time to cook, however, he really enjoys it.

He pulls up a playlist on his phone and starts washing the vegetables. He's so lost in the task of chopping up peppers and carrots, it takes him a moment to notice the sound of an engine stopping in front of the house a little while later. Frowning, he checks the digital clock on the fridge to see if he got so lost in the cooking that he missed how much time has passed. It's not quite noon, though, a little more than an hour and a half since Buck and Christopher left. Eddie has expected them home in an hour at the earliest.

Still, it sounded a lot like Buck's jeep, and with a frown Eddie wipes his hands on a dish towel and goes out into the hall. Maybe there was some sort of event at the park, something that stopped them from spending too much time there. He's sure Buck is going to let him know exactly why they're back so early.

He opens the front door, a snide comment about how Buck needs to up his training regimen if an eight year old can exhaust him in such a short time already on his lips, when he stops short at the sight in front of him.

Buck's jeep is parked haphazardly in the driveway, the front bumper just inches away from flattening the mailbox. Buck is no longer in the car though. He is leaning into the backseat, only his back and legs visible. Then he straightens up, and Eddie feels his heart drop in his chest.

Buck isn't helping Christopher out of the car like he might ordinarily do, he is pulling the boy out of the seat, cradling his head against his shoulder as he turns towards the front door. He is pale and his movements are frantic, and suddenly Eddie can't hear anything over the pounding of blood in his ears. Buck stops short at the sight of him, and if possible he grows even paler, before he tears himself out of his stupor and hurries towards the front door, Christopher still clutched in his arms. Eddie's world narrows down to the sight of his son lying in Buck's arms, to the white bandages he now sees around Christopher's leg and hand, to the fact that as far as he can tell, Christopher isn't moving.

"Buck, what happened? What's wrong with Christopher?"

Buck stops on the top step, as if he's afraid to get within Eddie's reach. Up close, he looks pale and sweaty, and absolutely devastated.

"Eddie, I'm so sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you guys so much for all the replies. I'm absolutely floored by the responses.
> 
> Here's the next chapter for you all. By now I think it'll be either three or four chapters all in all, and the wait shouldn't be too long. Enjoy!

Eddie doesn't know how, but somehow they manage to get into the living room where Buck carefully deposits Christopher on the couch. Eddie still doesn't know what the hell happened, but the moment Buck lets go of him, he can at least see that Christopher is awake, and that he is moving. Rationally, Eddie knows that Buck would never bring Christopher here instead of to a hospital if anything was seriously wrong, but rationality has taken a backseat the moment he saw his son lying limply in Buck's arms.

Christopher is definitely awake though. He seems confused and slightly pale, but other than the large bandage on his left knee and hand, he doesn't look hurt. His glasses are sitting on his face somewhat crookedly, which Eddie knows his son normally hates, and he's craning his neck as if trying to get Eddie into his line of sight.

"Dad!"

Eddie quickly kneels down in front of the couch. "I'm here. It's all right, Chris, I'm right here. What happened? Where are you hurt?"  


He tries to pull Chris towards him, to see for himself where he's hurt and how bad it is, but Buck is in the way, carefully trying to arrange the boy on the sofa as if any further movement might break him.

"I checked him over, and I don't think anything is broken, but I'm not sure. You should maybe take him in and have X-rays done, just to make sure. Who knows, there could be a hairline fracture, or something else. And I don't know if he hit his head. His pupils look normal, but he might have a concussion. You should definitely have him checked out, maybe you should take him to the hospital right now. God, maybe I should have called an ambulance right away..."

Buck is frantic, and Eddie feels the bile rise in his throat at the obvious panic in his friend's voice and the almost nonsensical babbling. Buck is trained to stay rational and calm during a crisis, whether it's a medical emergency or something else. Even if it involves someone he cares for. The only thing that's keeping Eddie on this side of sanity right now is the fact that Christopher doesn't _look_ badly hurt. Scared and confused, yes, but not hurt. Eddie wants to check for himself, but there's no way to really get past Buck, who seems to do his best to shield Christopher with his own body. From what, Eddie has no idea, but things stopped making sense the moment he opened the door a few minutes ago.

All he knows is that Buck's frantic attempts at keeping Christopher on the couch and checking him for injuries over and over again is making Christopher more and more panicky in turn. The whole situation is spiraling, and Eddie has to get Buck away from his son right now. Not because he's worried that Buck poses a threat, never that, but because right now he's stopping Eddie from figuring out what the hell is going on here.

"Buck!"

"I'm sorry, Eddie, I really am, but..."

"Buck, I need you to let me see what's wrong with Christopher."

"It wasn't a bad fall, but who knows what happened if he hit his head or..."

"Buck!" Eddie grabs his friend's shoulders and gives him a firm shake. "I need you to listen to me!"

It takes a second or two, but finally Buck's eyes settle on Eddie and he gives a sharp nod. Eddie does his best to turn him away from the couch, to force Buck to shift his focus away from his son, and towards him. "Breathe, okay? I need you to take a deep breath. Think you can do that for me?"

Buck nods again, and Eddie gives his shoulder a squeeze. "Good. Now, where are his crutches?"

It's such a non sequitur that it seems to completely throw Buck for a loop. "What?"

"Christopher's crutches. Where are they?"

Buck seems extremely confused, but after a second, his eyes dart towards the door. "The car. They're still in the car."

"Good. Think you can get them for me?"

Buck nods almost comically. "Of course. Sure. I can get them."

As if glad that he finally has a task to fulfill, Buck jumps to his feet and hurries out of the room. It's unfair, really, to send Buck off on a useless errant like that, but Eddie needs to know what's wrong with his son, and for that he needed to get Buck out of the way, if only momentarily. He can only deal with one crisis at once, and for now his son is his priority. He'll take care of Buck once he's sure that Christopher is going to be all right.

Framing his son's face with his hands, Eddie tenderly runs his thumbs across his cheeks. Christopher's skin is warm to the touch, and it looks like he might have been crying earlier, but his eyes as they meet Eddie's are clear and alert.

"Dad."

"I'm here now, Christopher. It's going to be okay. But I need to see what's wrong, all right? Can you tell me what hurts?"

"My knee, a bit. But it's not bad."

It's a small measure of relief, but still Eddie needs to see for himself to believe it.

"I'm going to take a look now, okay? Hold on tight, I'll take you to the bathroom."

Christopher immediately wraps his arms around his neck, and Eddie allows himself to indulge in the feeling for a second before he gets up from his crouch and lifts Christopher up into his arms. The bathroom is where the first aid kit is, but right now Eddie's also hoping that the closed door will keep Buck away for a little while, too. He hates himself for the thought, but he needs to figure out what is what, and Buck isn't helping right now.

He slides the bathroom door shut behind him but doesn't lock it, and then gently sits Christopher down on the closed toilet seat. The first aid kit in the cabinet underneath the sink is within easy reach, and as he pulls it out with one hand, he reaches for the bandage around his son's knee with the other.

"Chris, can you tell me what happened?"

"I fell", Chris says, but it sounds matter-of-fact, and nowhere near dramatic enough to justify Buck's earlier reaction.

"You fell from where? From how high?"  


"The jungle gym. I don't know. It wasn't really high, Dad."

Eddie has seen his son climb around on the jungle gym too often to count. And while Christopher loves it, and it's good training for his coordination, he doesn't really have the muscle tone to climb to heights Eddie would consider dangerous.

"How high, buddy? About as high as your head? Or mine?" The latter of which would be far higher than Christopher usually climbs. But who knows if he hasn't been trying to show off for Buck. But Christopher shakes his head.

"My shoulder, maybe. I told you, it wasn't high. I just landed funny."

Eddie has finally finished unwinding the two rolls of gauze Buck felt the need to cover the wound with. The first thing he notices is the smell of antiseptic. Copious amounts of antiseptic, judging by the intensity of the smell.

The second thing he notices is that he's looking at a wound that definitely didn't require the liberal use of either antiseptic or gauze. Eddie loves his son with all his heart, and he hates to see him hurt in any way, but what he's looking at right now is definitely a scraped knee. A somewhat badly scraped knee, true, but still an every-day scratch, the likes of which Christopher has had multiple times over the course of his life.

Eddie doesn't understand what's going on, but he quickly starts to unwind the bandage around his son's left hand. It seems like Buck used similar amounts of antiseptic and gauze for the second injury, but other than a few scrapes on Christopher's palm, there is no wound to speak of. Both the scrapes on his hand and knee have bled at some point, that is clearly visible, but they're not bad. Sure, it must have been a shock to see Chris fall, to see him bleed and maybe cry, but Buck is trained to treat people in medical emergencies. He should know that this is nothing. Eddie's usual remedy for scraped knees is to check if the wound needs cleaning, if Christopher's state of mind requires either a band-aid or the promise of ice cream, and to then send him back to play.

Now that he has unwrapped all the bandages, Eddie quickly gives Christopher a once-over. His unhurt knee is a bit dirty, as are his shorts and shirt, but there's no other injury that he can see.

"Okay, so you fell from the jungle gym, and it looks like you scraped your knee and palm. Did it hurt?"

Christopher shrugs. "A bit. But it wasn't bad."

"Did you hurt anything else? Did you hit your head, black out for a second, see stars, anything?"

He shakes his head. "No, nothing. My knee hurt, and it was bleeding. And then Buck came running and he was really loud, and asking all these questions and carrying me to the car, and bandaging me up. It scared me."

Eddie feels his throat go dry at those last words. "You were scared of Buck?" Because that would open up a whole other can of worms, if Chris was getting scared of Buck. But Chris is already shaking his head.

"No, Daddy. Not of Buck. But...he was really scared, and that scared me. Buck is never scared. He wasn't even scared in the water, and that was a really scary thing. But me falling on the playground scared him, and I didn't know how to make it stop."

Eddie can't help the small sob that escapes him as he leans forward and wraps his arms around Christopher, hugging him tightly against his chest. There are no words to describe how much he loves this child. Even confronted with confusing adult behavior outside of any frame of reference, all Christopher can think of is how to help Buck feel better. Eddie has no idea what he's done to deserve him, but he's grateful for him every single day. Holding Christopher close, he presses a kiss on top of his messy curls.

"Okay Chris, there's something I need you to understand. This wasn't because of you, okay? And there was nothing you could have done to make it better at that moment. I don't think Buck was scared because you fell. I think he's been really scared for a while now, and today he just couldn't hide it anymore."

Chris frowns. "What is Buck scared of? He's a superhero."

Eddie smiles sadly and runs as hand through his son's hair. "Even superheroes get scared. And getting scared is nothing bad, really. It's okay to be scared sometimes. But normally, you stop being scared when you realize that the danger is gone and the people you love are safe. I think Buck might need some help with that."

Christopher watches him for a few long seconds, his expression extremely unhappy at the thought of Buck being anything other than all right.

"Is it from the water?"

Eddie nods. "I think that might have something to do with it, yes. I know I was really scared that day, I'd be surprised if was any different for Buck."

"I was really scared, too. But Buck helped make it less bad."

"That he did, didn't he?" Eddie runs a hand through Christopher's hair.

"He did. And now we'll help him so that he doesn't have to be scared anymore."

The simple resolve in Christopher's voice makes Eddie's heart break a little. He has the feeling that fixing Buck is not going to be far more complicated than an eight year old can imagine, but he'll be damned if he doesn't do everything he can to try.

"Of course we will, buddy. And I'm going to need a lot of help from you along the way. But I think Buck is going to have a really hard time talking about why he's scared. Do you think you could let me talk to him alone first?"

Christopher thinks about it for a second, and though it's obvious that he wants nothing more than to go see Buck right now, he nods. "Okay."

  
"Thanks, buddy. Now, I think Buck has done a great job putting antiseptic on that scraped knee and palm. I think we'll just let them scab over and heal without a bandage, okay? And you let me know if it starts hurting any worse."

Christopher nods again, and Eddie gives him another kiss on the forehead before he lifts his son back into his arms.

"I'll take you to your room now, and you play there for a few minutes while I talk to Buck. But you call if you need anything, okay? Anything at all."

He carries Chris over into his room, where Chris' crutches are leaning against the bed. Buck must have brought them in here while they have been in the bathroom. Eddie sets Chris down, and the boy loses no time to make his way over towards his desk where he keeps his coloring utensils. He has the strong suspicion that there is going to be another get-well-soon-card in Buck's immediate future.

"Holler if you need anything, okay? I love you, buddy."

"Love you, too, Daddy." Eddie is almost at the door already when Christopher's voice calls him back. "Daddy?"

"Yeah?"

"Is Buck going to be okay?"

Eddie forces himself to smile at his son. "We'll make sure of that, I promise."

Chris accepts that statement with the kind of easy trust only a child his age can have and turns back towards the paper on his desk. Eddie takes a deep breath and leaves his son's room. He can only hope that Buck hasn't run off in the meantime. He made his son a promise, and he fully intends to keep it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. Again, I'd be really happy if you let me know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, once again, thank you everyone. I'm really glad you all seem to like this story so much.
> 
> This one took a bit longer, unfortunately. I had it half-written and it didn't work out as planned, so I had to start all over again and suddenly it became this epic conversation. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

Buck hasn't run off while Eddie was with Christopher. He's still there, pacing up and down the living room and if anything, he seems even more agitated than earlier. His hair is standing up oddly on one side, as if he has been pulling at it, and the moment he hears Eddie come into the room, he immediately hones in on him.

"Is Christopher okay? You were in there for a long time, is he all right?"

Eddie puts up his hands, palms out, in what he hopes is a placating manner. Buck is acting more and more like a spooked animal, completely out of proportion for what happened, and he starts to understand Christopher's initial reaction. This is completely out of the ordinary, and it is scary.

"Buck, he's fine. It's just a scratch, okay? He'll have forgotten all about it by this time tomorrow."

Buck nods, but Eddie is not entirely convinced that his friend has heard him, much less really understood his words.

"Eddie, you have to believe me, I have no idea how this could happen. I watched him, I swear I did. I only looked away for one second, and next thing I know, he was on the ground, bleeding. I swear I was watching him, I don't know what happened..."

Buck is working himself into a state, his face pale, skin clammy and his voice sounding more and more breathless with every word. This is not good, and he needs to put a stop to it before it starts spiraling even further out of control.

"Whoa, whoa, it's okay. Do you hear me? It's fine, Christopher is fine, nothing happened."

"I let him get hurt!"

Eddie has been about to put his hands on Buck's shoulders, but the outburst makes him flinch back for a second.

"Buck..."

"I let him get hurt again, so don't say it's _fine_!"

"Okay, you need to sit down now."

"What?"

Buck is shaking, but he doesn't even seem to notice. Eddie takes the final step towards him and gently but firmly steers Buck over towards the sofa, pushing him down on the cushions with a gentle pressure to his shoulders.

"Sit down. Breathe." Eddie keeps his hand on Buck's shoulder, not quite sure that Buck isn't going to try and jump up again. For now he's going along with Eddie's command and sits down, but the muscles under Eddie's hand are so taught with tension they're trembling. It's like Buck is this close to vibrating out of his skin, and Eddie curses himself for allowing things to get to this point.

This is about so much more than Christopher taking a fall on the playground, and Eddie should have seen it coming.

"Okay, I need you to just sit here for a few moments and take deep breaths. Can you do that for me?" Buck gives a short nod and Eddie squeezes his shoulder, though he seriously doubts that Buck notices. "I'll be back in a second, okay? Stay here, I'll be right back."

Buck nods again, and Eddie quickly hurries over into the kitchen. The ingredients for lunch are still spread out all over the counter, and probably the vegetables should be put back in the fridge now that nobody is going to be cooking here in the foreseeable future, but right now Eddie doesn't care. He quickly opens the fridge and grabs a bottle of water and a juice box and hurries back into the living room. Buck is still sitting on the sofa, nervously kneading his fingers, and Eddie quickly sits back down beside him.

"When's the last time you ate?"

Buck slowly turns towards him, brow furrowed and his expression clearly confused at the question. "What?"

"You look like you're about to keel over. I'm worried that your blood sugar is bottoming out, which normally wouldn't be a big thing if you weren't working yourself in such a state just now that you don't notice what's happening. When did you last eat? Breakfast?"

Buck gives a single nod, still looking at Eddie like he has grown a second head, but right now Eddie doesn't particularly care what Buck's opinion on his mental state is. He unwraps the straw, sticks it into the juice box and presses it into Buck's hand, holding on to it until he's sure that Buck really has a grip on it.

"Drink that. Slow sips, deep breaths in between, okay?"

After a second, Buck brings the straw up to his lips and takes a sip. Eddie is glad that he's not facing any more resistance right now, but this is only the beginning of things. Getting Buck calm enough to talk about what happened today is probably the easiest part of all of this. There's really no reason the break into a celebration yet, but he's going to take the small victory.

A juice box designed for consumption by an elementary school child does not really last long for an adult, and it isn't long before Buck holds out the empty box somewhat helplessly, as if he has no idea what he's supposed to do with it now. Eddie takes it, puts it onto the side table, unscrews the cap from the water bottle and hands it over to Buck. Buck's hand is still shaking, and this time Eddie has to hold on for quite a bit until he's sure Buck is not just going to spill the water all over the couch.

"You're doing great, Buck. Small sips, okay?"

Some water does spill over before Buck can take the first sip, but he's already noticeably calmer than he was a few minutes ago. So far, so good.

"All right. First things first. There's something I need you to understand, Buck. I need you to really _hear_ this, okay?" Buck tries to avoid Eddie's eyes, but Eddie leans into his line of sight until the younger man has no choice but to look at him. "Christopher is okay. I need you to understand that. Nothing horrible happened today. He fell, he skinned his knee and scratched his palm a little. It has happened before, and it will happen again. And none of it is your fault for looking away. He has fallen when I was watching him, when my abuela was watching him, when Carla was watching him, and quite probably also a number of times when nobody was watching him. Children fall down. Children with CP fall down. It's normal. It happens."

"I know." Buck's voice sounds shaky and rough, but at least he seems more present now than he was earlier.

"Do you? Because there's four rolls of gauze doused in antiseptic on my bathroom floor that say differently."

The joke falls flat. Buck takes another small sip of water and avoids Eddie's eyes.

"I overreacted, I know."

"Yes, and we need to talk about that."

"Look Eddie, I'm sorry, I really am..."

"Stop!" The last thing Eddie needs is for this conversation to derail into another round of apologies. "You need to stop apologizing. You completely freaked out earlier, what I need to know is why that happened. You scared me, you scared _Christopher_."

"I...I don't...I'd never want to scare him."

"I know that, Buck. I know that. Listen, let's back up. Earlier, you said you let him get hurt." Buck opens his mouth to say something, but Eddie shushes him with a sharp shake of his head. "No. You said that you let him get hurt _again_. And I think that's something we really need to talk about."

"Eddie..."

"No. We need to talk about this. We should have talked about this weeks ago, and it's partly my fault for letting it get to this point, but it stops here. You're not okay. You haven't been okay every since the damn tsunami, and as your friend I should have seen it."

Buck just keeps shaking his head. "I'm fine, Eddie. Really. I'm all good."

"So good that a tumble on the playground made you freak out. That's not fine, Buck. And it's not the first time, I only had too much other things on my mind to pay attention. But it's been going on for weeks now."

"What are you even talking about?" Buck is getting defensive, which to Eddie means he's getting closer to where it really hurts.

"I'm talking about the fact that ever since that tsunami, you've been acting like...like you're on probation. Like you have to prove yourself over and over again, and like you don't even think you earned the chance to do so. And it just doesn't make sense."

"You're not making any sense. You know, I think if anyone is blowing anything out of proportion, it's you."

"Do you have nightmares?"

"What?"

"Do you have nightmares?" Eddie repeats. "Because Christopher has them. They've gotten better, but he still has them. I know that you know that, because there were nights when they were so bad, when he dreamed that he was being swept away and couldn't find you, and the only thing that was able to calm him down again was hearing your voice. I know that you know all about those nightmares because I called you up in the middle of the night more times than I can count, so that you could talk him back to sleep and you did, each and every time, with no complaint, no matter how often those calls woke you up."

And hadn't that been something that tore Eddie apart. The knowledge that he couldn't help his own son through those terrors because he hadn't been there, hadn't seen what Christopher had seen, hadn't felt that absolute terror of being ripped away by the water. Eddie had no answers to questions like "what do you think happened to that woman in the yellow dress?", and it broke his heart every time he realized that he simply could not help his son. It's on him that to him, those midnight calls with Buck were a relief, because Buck had been there, Buck could relate, Buck actually had answers to questions that choked Eddie and made him speechless.

It's entirely on him that he was so relieved that Buck could help, that he never once asked himself if Buck had nightmares, too.

"Eddie, you know I'd do anything for Christopher. What's a little missed sleep if it helps him?"

"Yes, but were you even sleeping in the first place?"

"What does it matter? Eddie, I'm..."

"If you say you're _fine_ one more time, I'm going to deck you. How you were doing matters because when what happened caught up with Christopher, he asked for help. I asked for help for him when he couldn't. Who did you ask for help, Buck? Because it sure as hell wasn't me. You didn't call a single time. Not because you needed help, not because you wanted to hear a friendly voice, not to hang out, nothing. Before the tsunami, my phone was blowing up with a constant background stream of O_bservations on Life by Evan Buckley_, but ever since then it's like you have forgotten that you don't need to be given explicit permission to initiate contact. You haven't dropped by without invitation. And every time I call you, every time I drop by, or ask you to do something with Christopher, each and every time I burst into that bubble of solitude you've crawled into, you seem surprised by it. Like you didn't expect it to happen, like you don't think you've _earned_ it.

"And I may have ignored those signs for far too long, but today you almost worked yourself up into a panic attack because Christopher did what children do and fell down, but you acted like you were to blame. Like...like anyone is keeping score, and that fall was a big fat demerit. Like you have to keep a clean slate because you're under review, and that scares me, Buck. It scares me that I didn't put it together until now, and it scares me that apparently you're terrified, but you don't reach out for help because you accept fault for things that are beyond your control."

Buck laughs harshly and without any humor. "Like you didn't blame me."

"For what? For a scraped knee?"

"For losing Christopher!" For a second, Buck seems surprised at his own outburst, but then it's like the floodgates have opened and he can't get them shut anymore. He all but jumps up from the couch and starts pacing up and down, hands back to pulling at his hair and stoically avoiding all eye contact. "Don't tell me that you didn't blame me, Eddie. At the VA hospital, when I was standing in front of you stuttering out a fucking word salad when it was obvious that I had no idea where Christopher was. I couldn't even say the words, Eddie, I couldn't even open my mouth and tell you that I had lost your son because I knew I had failed you both. And I saw the look in your eyes. I saw the way you looked at me, so don't lie to me and tell me that in that moment you didn't blame me for losing Christopher."

Something tightens in Eddie's chest. Of everything that happened since that wave crashed into the city he has grown to love, that moment is one he doesn't want to revisit, and he's not entirely sure he's prepared for Buck bringing it up. Because the truth is, Buck is right.

In that moment, when Buck stood in front of him, broken and bleeding, Christopher's glasses around his neck, trying to find words to express what had happened, Eddie had been able to think only one thing – that it had been Buck's job to keep Chris safe, and Buck had failed.

"See?" Buck says, taking his silence as agreement. "I was right."

"No." Eddie had no idea what can of worms he was opening up with this particular conversation, but if Buck wants to have it all out there, no holds barred and honest with each other for the first time in months, then he isn't going to do it sitting down. He gets up from the couch and steps into the path of Buck's pacing, keeping a step or two between them, but close enough that Buck can't avoid his eyes.

"No. You don't get to take one of the worst moments of my life and twist it to fit your idea of what happened, all right? You want to know what I was thinking during that moment? I wasn't thinking _anything_ clearly. I was terrified. For the first time since the moment he was born, I didn't know if my son was alive. If he was scared, or hurt, if he needed me. I wasn't having any rational thoughts. Irrationally? Of course I blamed you. You were there, and he wasn't. You were supposed to watch him, and you had lost him.

"And you know what, Buck? I'll forever be grateful that that woman brought Christopher to the hospital the moment she did, because it stopped me from saying something I could have never taken back. It stopped me from breaking something I'm not sure I could have ever fixed. Because laying any blame on you would have been wrong, and rationally I know that you would never do anything to put Christopher in harm's way. But you don't get to hold that moment of absolute emotional terror against me and use it as a base for your self-flagellation, Buck. I won't let you do that."

Buck just shakes his head and turns away, turning towards the window though Eddie doubts that he's really looking at anything outside. Though he's a few inches taller than Eddie, he looks so small in this moment that Eddie has to stop himself from going over and wrapping his arms around him. Everything about Buck screams that he doesn't want to be touched right now. Instead, he steps up beside him, leaving enough space between them so as not to crowd the younger man.

"Maybe we should stop with the assumptions. I should stop assuming that you're fine just because you act like it, and instead I should ask you how you're feeling. And you should stop assuming that you know what I think, and instead you let me know when something worries you to the degree that you feel unwanted in your own family."

Buck turns his head sharply and looks at Eddie for the first time in far too long. "What?"

"Oh come on. Of course you're a part of this family. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to see that you are not all right. That's on me. But now we're here, now we're putting it all out in the open, so let me help fix it."

"Can't fix me", Buck forces out, and and his voice cracks over the words.

"I don't think _you_ need fixing, Buck. I think you need help, that's a difference. And it's perfectly all right to need help, and to accept it when it's offered. And I know that you know that, because you're always the first to offer help when someone else needs it."

Buck shakes his head and turns away slightly, as if that movement is gong to stop Eddie from noticing how he wipes his hand across his eyes. "And what happens the next time I screw up?"

And that is about all Eddie can take of this. If Buck won't listen, he'll have to use some physical reinforcement. Before Buck even knows what's happening, he steps right into his personal space, pulling him in. Buck is stiff in his hold, unresponsive though at least he doesn't try to pull away, either. Eddie covers the back of his head with his palm and pulls his head down against his shoulder.

"We all screw up sometimes." He says, lips against the shell of Buck's ear. "You're going to screw up at some point. So will I. I have no idea what we're going to do when it happens, but I hope we'll deal with it like adults and talk about it. And I hope that we'll forgive each other, if there is anything to forgive. But I can promise you some things for certain. My friendship is not conditional. Your relationship with Christopher, your access to Christopher, is not conditional. Your position in this family is not under review, and nothing of this is going to get taken away from you for whatever transgressions you think you're guilty of. The fact that you think that scares me, Buck."

A sob forces itself from deep out of Buck's chest, and Eddie immediately tightens his arms around him.

"You don't have to constantly prove yourself, Buck. You can be your weakest and worst self, because that's what a family is for. But you need to take the first step. And you need to talk about what's going on with you ever since the tsunami. I will listen, at any time. And if you don't want to talk to me, talk to someone else. Bobby, Maddie, a therapist, anyone. You can't keep bottling up these things any longer. We're all here for you, but you need to let us in."

Buck is shaking in his arms, but he's no longer resisting against Eddie's embrace. Instead he's leaning into him, face buried against his shoulder and his hands clenched into the fabric at the back of Eddie's shirt. It's all Eddie can do to hold him and not say anything else while he falls apart. He's not worried. His heart aches for Buck, but he has the feeling that this is the beginning of healing for them. Buck obviously needs this, and Eddie has no problem letting him fall apart if he needs to. He's good at picking up pieces and putting them back together. It might take a while, but he's going to make sure that Buck is just fine.

He can't say how much time has passed when Buck withdraws, wiping his hands over his eyes and not quite meeting Eddie's gaze.

"Sorry."

"No. You're officially no longer allowed to apologize in this house. I'm glad this finally happened. Do you feel any better?"

Buck nods somewhat hesitantly. "Yeah, a bit. Thanks."

"Oh, you'll definitely thank me later. I haven't even used the ultimate weapon in my arsenal to make people feel better yet."

That brings a small smile to Buck's face. "That weapon wouldn't happen to be yay high, with curly hair and an adorable smile?"

"Think you're up for him?"

"Give me a minute, maybe?"

"Sure. I'll go talk to him. You sit down and finish that water. I'll order us something to eat in a minute, too. I think we could all use it."

Eddie takes his time in getting Christopher, to give Buck the time to get his feet back under him emotionally. Also, it is a difficult process to decide which of the four pictures Christopher has drawn in the meantime is the right one to present Buck with. You can't rush art, after all. Once the right picture has been picked and a few minutes have passed, they walk back into the living room.

Buck is still there, quelling Eddie's momentary fear that he might have bailed, though he looks like he might have thrown a few handful of water on his face in the meantime. He's still pale and looks obviously shaken up, but his smile when he turns towards Christopher is genuine.

"Christopher, hey."

"Bucky!" Christopher hurries along as far as his crutches will let him and throws himself into Buck's arms as soon as he's close enough. Buck hugs him tight, eyes closed and face buried in his hair, and Eddie has to swallow against the lump in his throat. He knows that hugging Christopher close like this can sometimes feel like it'll solve all the problems in the world, and at this moment he wishes nothing less for Buck. He has the feeling it's not going to be that easy, though, but for now it's nice to pretend that his son's hugs can cure all ill.

Buck pulls back after a few moments and holds Christopher at arm's length. "Chris, I'm sorry I scared you earlier. I really am."

Christopher pats his cheek. "That's okay. Are you feeling better? When I was scared from the water, Dad helped me feel better."

"Your Dad helped a lot. You're helping a lot, too. It really helps to be with you guys."

Chris just nods sagely. "If you have a bad dream, you can call me. Or you come here and we have a sleepover."

Buck hugs him close again, and Eddie decides to give the two a few moments. He squeezes Buck's shoulder as he passes the couch.

"I'll order us some lunch."

He retreats into the kitchen, pulls out his phone and calls in a delivery with their favorite pizza place. Then he clears away the remainders of the unfinished lunch, putting away the dishes and the unused vegetables. They'll keep until dinner.

A few minutes later, he makes his way back into the living room, balancing a tray with drinks and a few snacks. He finds Buck and Christopher curled around each other on the couch, heads stuck together and looking at the picture Christopher has drawn. When he steps around the couch, Christopher excitedly pats the space beside him.

"Sit with us, Daddy. I'm showing Buck my picture."

"It's a really great picture", Buck says, and tightens his arm around Chris' small shoulders. "You've got yourself quite an artist here."

Eddie sits down beside the two, wrapping an arm around Chris and pulling him close. "I know. A starving artist, too, probably. Pizza's gonna be forty minutes or so, so I made some crackers and peanut butter to tide us over."

"Pizza!" Christopher cheers. But it's obvious that he hasn't eaten since breakfast, either, since he immediately leans forward and starts munching crackers. Eddie turns his head and looks at Buck over the boy's back.

"You okay?"

"I will be." Buck replies, and for the first time today, Eddie actually believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The initial draft for this chapter included a much worse description of a panic attack. That changed somewhat over the course of writing, but I decided to leave the warnings up just to be safe. But that's the explanation in case anyone is confused about the tags and warnings in the first chapter notes.
> 
> Anyway, thanks again for sticking with me through this. One more chapter to go. Please let me know what you think. Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is later than the other chapters, I was really busy yesterday. Also, this story just will not end. That chapter was not planned to be this long. This is the last chapter though, I promise, but there is an epilogue coming up that I'll be posting later tonight.
> 
> Once more, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews, you guys are amazing.

It's a strange afternoon that follows. Even though the weather outside is great, they stay in. They hang out on the couch, they eat pizza and watch what feels like half the Pixar catalog. It feels...almost normal, for a lack of better word. Once they're done watching movies, Christopher breaks out his superhero action figures, but by that time it becomes obvious that Buck is flagging, though he tries not to let it show and accepts the action figure Christopher hands him with a ready smile. During what must be a break in Spiderman's epic battle for Gotham city – Eddie has learned not to ask – Buck comes into the kitchen where Eddie is trying to fathom what to do with the remains of their aborted lunch. He's pretty sure there's a dinner to be found in there somewhere if only he looks hard enough.

"Hey listen, I think I'll head out now."

Eddie turns around and takes a good look at his friend. Buck seems a lot more composed than earlier, but underneath it all, he mostly looks tired. Eddie wipes his hands on a dishtowel and steps away from the counter.

"Are you sure? You're welcome to stay for dinner if you want."

Buck shakes his head. "Thanks for the offer, really, but I have a lot of things on my mind and I need a little time on my own to think about it all."

Eddie feels strangely reluctant to let Buck go, but he knows that Buck is someone who needs to make things out with himself. "Yeah, sure. Let me know if you need anything."

Buck nods. "Sure. I just...I might take a few days to get my head straight. I promise I'm not going to drop off the face of the earth, I just need some time. I'll give Bobby a call later, take a day or two."

"Okay, you do that."

Buck is standing there, hands in his pockets and looking weirdly indecisive, as if he isn't quite sure what to do next. This is getting awkward, and Eddie can't stand the idea of things between them being awkward. They have been weirdly off-kilter for far too long now, and it's time that stopped. He crosses the remaining distance between them and wraps his arms around Buck. This time, Buck comes in willingly, leaning into Eddie with a sigh.

"If there's anything else you need, anything at all, you call me, okay? No matter if it's the middle of the night, or during Sunday night Football, you hear me? Same goes if it's Christopher you want to talk to, because we both know who your favorite person in this family really is."

Buck chuckles against his shoulder and tightens his arms around Eddie's back before releasing him. "Thank you, Eddie. Really. For everything."

"Nothing to thank me for. Do you want me to tell Christopher you had to leave?"

Buck shakes his head. "No, I already said goodbye to him after Spiderman saved Gotham City from Aquaman's shark forces. It seemed like a natural break in things. You might have to pick up where I left off, though. I think there's a T-Rex planning an attack on Stark Tower, you will probably have to come to its defense."

Eddie smiles and squeezes Buck's shoulder. "There's a number of hardships to being a father, but pretending to be Tony Stark isn't one. I think I'll manage. Goodbye Buck."

"Bye Eddie." He turns and calls over his shoulder. "Bye Christopher! Look after your Dad for me!"

"Bye Buck!"

Buck turns and leaves, and Eddie casts a quick glance into the living room. Christopher is contently playing with some dinosaurs and action figures, undisturbed by Buck's departure, so he figures he has a little time to get dinner done. And if after dinner, they're going to curl up on the couch and watch another movie, it's not like anyone needs to know. It feels like that kind of day.

When Eddie comes on shift Sunday night, Buck isn't there. He's not sure if it's deliberate that Bobby doesn't give the team any specifics as to why that is, leaving everyone to believe that he's the next one of them to fall victim to the flu that's going around. Bobby does give Eddie a knowing look and squeezes his shoulder in passing, though, which at least reassures him that Buck must have offered Bobby some version of what happened to explain his absence instead of simply calling in sick. It makes working that shift without Buck a little easier.

And the next one.

And the one after that.

Buck is back at work by Wednesday. If anyone questions his miraculously fast recovery from the flu he wasn't actually suffering from, nobody mentions it. Mostly, everyone is glad to have him back, and nobody seems to notice anything amiss. Not that Buck would give anyone reason to suspect anything amiss. He's being his usual self, if maybe a bit more quiet than he normally is. But he looks like he's gotten a good night's sleep for the first time in a while, so Eddie takes it as a win.

If Eddie expected some sort of drastic change though, he's disappointed. Buck is acting just like he normally does, and Eddie knows him well enough to see that he's not putting on an act. But whatever shift that chaotic Saturday caused, it seems to be a gradual one rather than anything drastic. Buck is normal, and normal is good. Normal means that there's banter while they're on shift, that they sit down together for the meals Bobby cooks, that they work well together without the need for many words. Mostly, normal means Buck is no longer skittish, like he's only waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On Friday, Buck sits down next to him in the locker room just as Eddie is putting on his shoes at the end of his shift.

"Hey."

"Hey yourself." Eddie finishes tying his shoes and turns to his right so that he can look at Buck. "What's up?"

Buck shrugs, but there's something about the way he's biting his lip that's a telltale sign that something is going on.

"I thought...I was wondering if Christopher and you have any plans for tomorrow."

It's such a normal question, but normal has been on short supply lately. Eddie craves to have normal back as the standard between them. That makes the answer to Buck's question really easy.

"Well, we – and by _we_, I mean Christopher – have to clean up the roughly two thousand pieces of Lego he decided to spill in his room in a fit protest against bedtime yesterday. He's sleeping at my aunt's tonight, but that mess should keep him occupied for an hour or two tomorrow morning. But we should be free around noon at the latest."

Buck barks out a laugh. "He threw Legos? Christopher? Are we talking about the same kid here?"

"He did not _throw_ any Legos. He _upended_ a very large bucket of Lego pieces when I told him it was bedtime. I'm not entirely sure about the logic behind it, and I fail to see how that plan would have gotten him to go to bed any later, so it's officially been labeled a tantrum. But the prospect of spending the day with you might actually get him to clean up that mess without any debate, and I'm not above taking that. Did you have anything specific in mind, or do you just want to hang out?"

"I read that there's a new kid's exhibit on the Moon Landing at the Science Center. I thought he might like that."

"Like it? He'd love that. How about we pick you up for lunch once that whole Lego mess is dealt with, and we go to the Science Center afterwards?"

Buck's smile is wide, and something in Eddie's chest gives a funny jolt. "Sounds awesome."

"Great. Then I'll see you tomorrow. I'll text you when we leave."

"Looking forward to it."

Eddie squeezes Buck's shoulder as he gets up and reaches for his bag. "You'd better get some sleep, though. By this time tomorrow, you'll have explored every square inch of the Science Center on foot, and you're only going to have yourself to blame for it."

Buck chuckles and gets up to open his own locker. "I wouldn't have it any other way."

It's easy to fall into a rhythm afterwards. The go to the Science Center, and as expected, Christopher is having a blast. They have dinner when they get home, and Buck sticks around until Christopher has to go to bed. And that's how they continue to do it. Eddie tries to involve Buck in their life as much as he can, but without crowding him. And in Buck makes an effort to initiate contact when he needs it. He checks in, he drops by, he makes plans for things they can do with Christopher.

One afternoon, Buck cancels their plans at short notice, with a flimsy excuse that honestly worries Eddie that this might be the first step of Buck pulling back in on himself. It worries him, and he spends the evening distracted, constantly checking his phone in hopes of easing the pit of worry that seems to have settled in his stomach.

He's not surprised, not really, when his phone rings at a little after one in the morning. It feels almost like he has been expecting the call, with the way he was tossing and turning instead of sleeping. So when the display flashes Buck's name and number, Eddie immediately turns on the lights and sits up on in bed as he accepts the call.

"Are you okay?"

For a second, there's silence on the line, then the rustling of sheets. "Yes. I mean, I'm not...I'm...I guess."

"That's quite a lot of options, Buck."

"Sorry." There's more rustling, like Buck is sitting up in bed, and some distant sniffling that Eddie decides not to comment on. It's the middle of the night, and Buck's voice sounds shaky and trembling, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened in the lead-up to this call.

"Do you need me to come over?" Christopher is asleep across the hall, but Eddie is already contemplating his options. Christopher is a deep sleeper, it shouldn't really be that hard to get him into the car without waking him up, and he could just sleep on Buck's couch for the night...

"No. No, it's okay, Eddie. I'm just...I didn't really have a good day today. And I thought it was going to be fine if I just sat it out, you know? Stay at home, go to bed early, tomorrow's a new day, that kind of thing."

"I take it that plan didn't work out so well."

Buck laughs, but it comes out as a watery sob. "No. No, I guess it didn't."

"Nightmare?"

Buck doesn't answer, but he doesn't need to when the answer is obvious. Eddie pulls back the blanket and swings his legs over the side of the bed.

"I can be there in fifteen minutes."

"No. No, don't. What are you gonna do, wake Christopher? No, listen. I'm okay. I just needed to hear a friendly voice, you know? To make sure...just to make sure things are real. But you don't need to come over. I'll get some water and go back to sleep, I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes Eddie, I'm sure. Thank you. I'm sorry for waking you."

There's more rustling on the other end of the line as Buck settles back in bed. He sounds more put together than just a few minutes ago, but Eddie still is strangely reluctant to end their call.

"I told you, it's no problem. I'm glad you did. You can call anytime. And while I've got you, did I thank you for getting Christopher that book about exploring nature in the backyard?"

It's a non sequitur that stuns Buck into silence for a second, and Eddie lies back down with a chuckle.

"What's that about? He liked the book, didn't he?"

"Oh, he loves the book. He keeps treating our backyard like it's some unexplored part of the rainforest. I can't get him inside except with the promise of food. Oh, and we have a pet lizard now."

Buck laughs. "What?"

"It's a skink, I think. A juvenile probably, at least it's pretty small. Chris found it under a rock in the garden and now thinks it's going to make for a great pet. He named it _Scoop_, and currently Scoop is residing in a shoebox with holes in it on Christopher's dresser."

A chuckle comes over the line. "Wish I could have seen your face when he brought it in."

Eddie runs a hand over his face. "Yeah well, Christopher is probably going to call you tomorrow and tell you all about it. And when he does, you're going to put up a united front with me and tell him that we have to set it free."

Buck laughs. "Oh, that's going to be a fun conversation."

"I'm not having a pet lizard in the house, Buck. It got out of the box earlier and escaped under the couch. Can you imagine what Carla will do to me if the next time she's looking after Christopher, a lizard comes running from under the couch? She's going to _kill_ me."

"Oh, I'll definitely have to make sure to be around if that happens."

There's amusement in Buck's voice, but he also sounds sleepy now. Eddie takes it as a good sign and relaxes back against the cushions. He starts regaling Buck with tales of Scoop's first evening inside the Diaz house, and it's not long before Buck's responses become fewer and farther in between, until his breathing evens out completely and he falls asleep.

Eddie waits a minute, then he disconnects the call and turns off the lights.

It's baby steps, but Eddie will take it.

They don't really talk about what's going on. At work they make a good team, they spend time with each other and with Christopher, and Eddie really had the feeling that things are getting better. Buck doesn't seem to question himself that often anymore, and the moments where he gets that faraway look in his eyes get fewer and farther in between. Eddie doubts the nightmares are gone, but at least Buck looks like he's getting some regular sleep. But though Eddie finds himself acutely attuned to Buck's mental state, they don't really talk about it.

At least not until one morning in the park, as they're sitting on a bench and watching Christopher and a group of other kids play a round of beanbag toss that some other parents must have brought. They've been watching mostly in silence, only occasionally betting on a particularly dramatic throw, when Buck suddenly breaks the stillness.

"So, I'm seeing someone."

The words startle Eddie, and he is surprised by the vehemence of his reaction. This feels _wrong_. And it's wrong that this feels wrong. He should be happy for Buck. Eddie wasn't around when Buck was dating Abby, or at least while Abby was still in Los Angeles, but of course he's heard the story. He knows how hard it was for Buck to accept that the relationship was over, to move on, and about his worries about going back to dating life. Everyone who has more than a passing acquaintance with Evan Buckley knows how much he misses being in a relationship, so Eddie should be glad that Buck feels like he's in a place where he can put himself out there again.

Instead, he can't stop thinking that it's too much, too soon. Just a few months have passed since the tsunami turned Buck's life upside down, he's barely managed to get his life back on track. This is going to upend the precarious balance they've established over the past weeks.

And all that shouldn't matter as long as Buck is happy.

The fact that Eddie hates the mere idea of Buck dating should be irrelevant. It's also something he decides not to look at too closely, because the strength of his own reaction surprises Eddie. He takes a deep breath and forces his voice the remain neutral as he replies.

"That...that's good. I'm happy for you. Do I know her?"

Buck turns towards him, a frown on his face. "Her? Why do you think it's a woman? And why would you know...oh!" He laughs, and Eddie feels a bit weird because he doesn't really think that anything about this is funny. Buck stares at him for another few seconds, then he shakes his head with another laugh when it becomes clear that Eddie is simply not following.

"Eddie, do you think I'm dating?"

"Well yes. What else could you mean when you say '_I'm seeing someone_'?"

"A therapist. I'm seeing a therapist."

Oh. _Oh_.

"And now I feel stupid."

Buck laughs and bumps his shoulder against Eddie's. "Don't. I just wanted you to know. I know we haven't really talked about anything that happened since that day, and I want you to know that I'm not just pretending everything is all right."

"I didn't think you were. I told you, whatever you feel is best for you is what you should do."

Buck nods, smile on his face as he watches Christopher toss the beanbag.

"I thought I'd just talk to the people close to me and it would all work out, you know? But...turns out, that was no good. I tried talking to Maddie a few times. I mean, she's my sister, I love her, I trust her, but...there's a whole lot of history there with our own family, you know? And after everything with Doug, I don't want to burden her with anything else, and I realized that I was trying to filter what I was telling her. And I think I'd always try to do that, to hold back to protect the people I care about, no matter if I was talking to Maddie, or Bobby, or you. And that wasn't helping me. So I got a recommendation, and...well, I've only seen him twice so far, so it's not like I can say if it's really helping. But it feels good to go there and have someone to talk to. And I wanted you to know that I'm getting help."

Eddie smiles and decides that his earlier words weren't all that wrong, after all. "That's good. I'm happy for you."

Buck rolls his eyes at the bad pun and bumps his shoulder against Eddie's again. "Thank you."

Eddie bumps right back, and reaches out to squeeze Buck's neck. Buck leans into him, tension around his shoulders a little easier than before. A few yards away, the group of children celebrate a spectacular final throw during the beanbag toss, Christopher right in the middle.

They're going to be okay.

Somehow.

Eddie is sure of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. Keep your eyes out for the epilogue which should be up later tonight.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it finally is, the epilogue. A bit later than promised, but I hope you guys enjoy it nevertheless.
> 
> One final time, thank you all so much for going on this journey with me. It's really been a fun foray into a new fandom.

Eddie whistles tunelessly as he climbs the stairs in Buck's apartment building, carrying a paper bag in one hand and a sixpack of beer in the other. He's a few minutes early, but traffic was good on the way to drop Christopher off at his grandmother's house, so he made better time than expected. And it's not like Buck's going to care that he's early.

True, Buck has been rather specific in telling Eddie to come by at 6:30 instead of just telling him to drop by whenever like he usually would. But they haven't hung out in ages, not with just the two of them, and there's a game on later that night, so who knows what Buck has planned. Eddie doesn't care. He's off work for the weekend, there's food and a beer or two in his immediate future, and he gets to spend time with Buck. It's a win in his book, no matter if it starts at 6:15 or 6:30.

When he reaches Buck's apartment door, he had no hand free to pull out his key, so he awkwardly knocks on the door with the hand holding the paper bag. There's a second of silence from inside, then Buck's somewhat frantic voice answers.

"Hang, on, just a second!"

It takes almost a minute, but then the door opens about halfway, and Buck's face peers out the gap. "You're early."

"Yeah, sorry. Traffic was unexpectedly..."

Eddie trails off as he gets a good look at his friend. Buck looks a bit harried, standing in the door and blocking Eddie's entry into the apartment. He's wearing jeans and a white t-shirt, and over the shirt he's wearing an apron. A honest-to-god _apron_. There's a variety of stains of different colors over both the apron and the shirt, his hair is standing up in odd tufts, and for a second or two Eddie wonders if he has the right apartment. Or, you know, the right universe.

"Everything all right? You look a bit..." he gestures up and down Buck's entire body, as if that could explain it all.

"You're early", Buck repeats.

"Yeah, we already established that. I'm sorry? Can I come in, or do you want me to wait in the hall for another ten minutes?"

"No, of course not. I just didn't expect you yet. Come in."

He opens the door wider, and Eddie steps past him into the apartment, chuckling a bit about his friend's weird behavior. Who knows what's gotten into Buck, though. It's probably nothing.

Eddie hasn't been at Buck's place in a little while, but nothing much has changed. Buck is no neat freak, but he's organized, and the room is just as clean as it always is. The smell of food is in the air, and as Eddie steps over towards the kitchen to put down his load, he sees that the oven is on, and the table is already set.

Buck follows him and starts to quickly put dishes and utensils that are spread over the counter into the dishwasher, almost frantically and without any recognizable system.

"I was going to clean up a bit before you got here."

"Yeah, because I'm such a stickler for a clean kitchen. It's fine Buck, don't worry. I brought beer, and my abuela sent some of her Tres Leches Cake. Which some people would consider the crowning achievement of their life, she does not just hand that out to everyone."

But Buck is different, of course. Eddie's grandmother has always liked him. He's a charmer, and Eddie's grandmother likes being charmed just as much as the next lady, but much more than that it was the way Buck treats Christopher that put her firmly on team Buck. And ever since the tsunami, she positively adores him. Saving Christopher will forever put Buck in her good graces, and she just loves to express those through baked goods.

Buck looks appropriately awestruck at the revelation of what's in that paper bag. "Oh wow. This is awesome, tell her I said thanks. You can put both in the fridge for now. I'm almost done, just grab something to drink, take a seat and I'll get changed."

He hurries up the stairs, pulling off his apron as he goes, and Eddie looks after him with a frown on his face. Buck is acting a bit strange, but not in the way he does when something is bothering him, so Eddie is not concerned. Just a little confused. He puts the beer and cake in the fridge, takes off his jacket and starts snooping a little. There's a large dish in the oven, but it's covered and Eddie can't quite make out what's in it. It smells good, but Eddie can't quite pinpoint what it could be.

There's a bowl of salad on the table, and what looks like a fresh loaf of bread sitting beside it. Eddie is suitably impressed. He knew Bobby tried to teach Buck a few recipes in the past, but he had no idea that that effort ever progressed beyond breakfast foods.

He turns around when there's steps coming down the stairs again and does a double take. Buck has indeed changed into different clothes. He's now wearing a pair of dark jeans and a white button-down shirt that it's tight on his shoulders and arms in all the good ways. The top two buttons of his shirt are open, he's done something to tame down his hair, and looking at him Eddie feels slightly underdressed in his simple jeans and black t-shirt.

"I told you to sit down. Do you want a beer?"

"Yeah, sure."

Buck takes two bottles out of the fridge, opens them and hands one to Eddie. "Dinner should be done in a couple of minutes."

"I didn't know you were still serious about learning how to cook."

Buck shrugs awkwardly and gestures for Eddie to finally take a seat at the table. He does, putting the beer down beside his plate. There's even a napkin laid out. Eddie is not sure he himself even owns napkins, unless paper towels count. Maybe the novelty paper towels with superhero print might.

"Bobby helped, otherwise it would have probably ended in chaos. More chaos, I mean."

"Consider me suitably impressed."

A timer goes off somewhere in the kitchen, and Buck reacts like he's been hit with an electric charge. He spins around, hurries over towards the oven, throws open the oven door and fiddles with the settings.

"All right, looks like dinner is ready."

"Do you need any help?"

"No, it's okay. I only need to take it out of the oven."

He puts on a pair of those gigantic oven mitts, opens up the oven and goes to work. The food turns out to be a huge dish of lasagna, wafting a cloud of tomato and herb-smell through the room, cheese bubbling on top. The look on Buck's face as he serves first Eddie then himself is so proud, Eddie really wonders what he's done to deserve all this effort.

Once they both have a plate full of food in front of them, Buck raises his bottle towards Eddie, who clinks his own bottle against it.

"Thanks so much for dinner, Buck. You didn't have to go to all this effort, but this looks great."

"You're welcome. Enjoy your meal."

Eddie tucks in. The food smells great, but it's still piping hot, so he has to watch out to not burn his moth on it. He takes a large bite, and...

...it's awful. Really, really awful.

Eddie suspects that it tastes like something, after all it _smells_ really delicious, but it's not like he could tell any of that because it feels like he has a mouth full of salt. It's really, really bad. But Buck has put so much effort into this meal, there's no way Eddie can just tell him that point blank, so he'll have to quickly figure out a good way to pretend that everything is fine without actually having to eat any more of this lasagna. Or maybe it's not going to be that bad if he tries eating off the other end of his piece? Maybe the salt is worse on one side of the food...

Turns out he doesn't have to come up with a way to explain, because Buck is watching him, and apparently Eddie's face is telling the whole story without him able to stop it. Buck frowns at him.

"What's wrong? Is it not good?"

"Buck..."

Buck cuts off a bit of the lasagna on his own plate and puts it in his mouth, only to spit it out just a moment later.

"Oh my god, that's awful." He looks down at the slice of lasagna on his plate with a look of pure betrayal on his face. "But I followed all of Bobby's instructions. I did everything the recipe said."

"I'm no expert, but I would guess something went wrong with the salt measurements."

"This is so stupid. I spent hours in the kitchen, I checked everything twice, it should be _perfect_."

"Buck, it's no big deal."

"Not a big deal? Do you know how hard it was to make Bobby give me his famous lasagna recipe in the first place? I made _sure_ I had everything right, I double checked every step along the way, and I still found a way to ruin it. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_!"

Eddie has been about to laugh about the whole thing and suggest they order a pizza, because it's the easy solution to a minor food problem. And while he understands that it sucks to have your hard work ruined like that, over-salted food is not the end of the world. But Buck's reaction to the whole mess it a bit too over the top and makes Eddie hesitate.

"Buck, come on. I really appreciate the effort you went to, but things like that just happen sometimes. It's an honest mistake."

"Yeah, if you can't read, maybe."

Buck gets up abruptly and starts clearing the offending lasagna off the table, scraping the remains off his plate and into the trash can with a lot of pent-up aggression. Eddie doesn't get why he makes such a huge deal out of it instead of laughing it off like Buck normally would. It's just dinner, after all.

Only, apparently it's not just dinner.

It's a dinner Buck put a lot of effort into. He somehow got Bobby to part with the recipe to one of his signature family dishes, and Eddie knows how closely their boss normally guards those recipes. But somehow Buck managed to get Bobby to give up the recipe, just to cook it for Eddie. He timed their dinner to be ready right after Eddie's arrival. He even made side-dishes and dressed up for the occasion. Eddie still isn't sure what exactly the occasion is, but this dinner was important enough for Buck to go all out, so the disappointment is understandable. After all, in a different setting, if Buck had, say, a girl over, this would be the perfect setting for a date...

Oh.

_Oh_.

That would make sense, of course.

Only, why would Buck set this up for Eddie, of all people? It's not like he'd want to...not that Eddie had never thought about it, he's only human, and Buck never so much as hinted at being interested in anything other than women. This is crazy. Buck didn't invite him on a date, did he? Buck asked him to hang out, right? A guys night, like they haven't had in ages because they spend most of their time together with Christopher. This can't be a date. But why else would Buck go to all this effort for having Eddie over when he knows exactly that Eddie is just as happy with a beer and a slice of pizza, no effort necessary.

What if he is reading this completely wrong?

But is there any other way to read this whole set up?

Buck has dressed up. That's date clothes, not hanging-out-with-your-bud-clothes. And he seems nervous. There's no reason to be nervous about just hanging out with your best friend. That has to mean something, right?

What if Eddie reads this completely wrong?

But what if he's right?

This shit is complicated.

"Buck?"

Buck is still busy scraping the remains of the lasagna into the trash can, spoon scratching across the porcelain with a vengeance. When he doesn't react, Eddie gets up from the table and walks around the counter so that he's in his friend's line of sight.

"Buck, was this tonight...is this a date?"

Buck stiffens, shoulders tightening visibly. He finishes scraping the dish and deliberately doesn't look at Eddie as he forcefully slams it back onto the counter.

"Worst date in the history of dates, probably. Over before it even began. I'm sorry, Eddie. I don't know what I was thinking, let's just forget any of this happened, all right?"

He tries to turn towards the sink, but Eddie doesn't let him. He reaches for Buck's arm and stops him from turning away.

"Buck, if you really want to, we can forget that it happened. But not if the only reason you want to forget about it is too much salt in the food."

Buck doesn't even seem to hear him. "I had everything planned. I wanted it to be _nice_. Just a nice evening, a way to gather a bit of courage before I put myself out there, and of course I go ahead and screw it up."

Eddie wants to laugh. Not because this is particularly funny. The salt in the food might be, it's a hilarious story actually, but not seeing how Buck works himself up about it. But there's laughter bubbling up inside of him nevertheless, pushing past where his heart is hammering in his chest and threatening to escape.

This is a _date_.

People always assume that Eddie is brave, because he's a firefighter, and because he used to be a soldier. Truth is, when it comes to his private life, Eddie is anything but brave. He doesn't like to put himself out there, to make himself vulnerable, to offer others a chance to hurt him. Eddie loves easily and deeply, but he learned early on that the more you love, the more you open yourself up to pain, too. And so his heart is something Eddie has guarded closely ever since he gave it to Shannon and it got broken in the process.

And now here's Buck, taking a leap Eddie himself wouldn't have dared to take in a million years. Not because Buck's a guy, or because Eddie never thought about him like that (he did, thoughts he quickly and shamefully pushed away as soon as they came, thoughts he never dared to think through to their conclusion). Eddie just never has the courage to put himself out there for something he wants if there's a chance it might cost him something he already has, something he couldn't stand to lose.

Buck is the kind of person to leap. Tonight, he took a leap Eddie wouldn't have been brave enough to take. And right now, he thinks he failed, and that maybe he leaped too early or too far, and that he's ruined things. Maybe now is the time for Eddie to put on a brave face and do some leaping of his own.

He still has his hand wrapped loosely around Buck's arm, and he uses that grip to gently turn Buck towards him. Buck still doesn't meet his eyes, and Eddie brings his hand up until it cups the side of Buck's head.

"Thank you, Buck."

"For what, ruining the food?"

Eddie shakes his had, thumb running small circles across the short hair on the side of Buck's head. There's a weird tension in the room, and Eddie has finally had enough of things being weird and unspoken between them.

"For being a lot braver than I could ever hope to be."

And before Buck can answer, Eddie leans forward and gently presses their lips together. He has to reach a bit, since Buck is a slight bit taller than he is and Eddie is not really used to that, but he shifts a little, adjusts the angle a bit, and suddenly it's like there's one perfect way for them to slot against each other and they found it. Buck's hands settle on his waist, and he's catching up with things now, he's kissing back and it's...

Oh boy.

It's a lot. It's unexpected and new and wonderful and so many things Eddie can't name, but he doesn't want to stop. Doesn't think he can stop. Buck's hands are points of heat against his waist and shoulder, he can feel the other man's heart beat a rapid pace where their chests are pressed together, and he could just keep kissing Buck like that for the rest of the night and be happy.

When they do stop it's not for breath like the romance novels make it out to be, but it's because Eddie just can no longer stop the laughter from bubbling up, and he really doesn't want to laugh into their first kiss like that, so he pulls away, burying his face into Buck's shoulder as it all breaks out.

This is just so ridiculous.

_They're_ ridiculous.

"You think this is funny?"

Buck's voice sounds rough in a way that makes an unexpected pool of heat form in Eddie's belly, but with a note of insecurity in it that Eddie can't stand to hear. He tightens his arms around Buck's back to forestall any idea the other man might have about creating any distance between them.

"I think it's hilarious, really."

He pulls back a little to be able to look Buck in the face. It's a mistake, because Buck's lips are red from kissing, his eyes are wide and he's breathing kind of hard and Eddie _wants_. He wants so much that it seems impossible how he didn't see it before. And he needs Buck to understand that.

"I think it's hilarious that we've both been half a step away from this for god knows how long and just didn't see it." Because Eddie knows, feels it in his bones, that this isn't new. This has been there for a long time, he just didn't see it for what it truly was until a few moments ago. Neither did Buck, though the other man at least caught on a little bit quicker than Eddie did. "It's really funny if you think about it."

Buck just shakes his head, but the corners of his mouth are pulling up slightly, and Eddie takes that as a win.

"Also, I'm sorry, but it's absolutely hilarious that you thought putting a pound of salt into the lasagna was going to somehow make for an edible dish. God, you should have seen your face."

Buck just stares at him incredulously for a second, then he makes a sound that is almost a growl and leans in. Before Eddie knows what's happening, Buck has shifted them so that Eddie's back is against the counter. The edge is digging uncomfortably into Eddie's lower back, but Buck's lips are back against his, and that's so much more important than anything else. For a moment, Eddie contemplates pulling himself up on the counter, to sit on top and just wrap his arms and legs around Buck and pull him in, but then he feels Buck's tongue against his lips and all other ideas get shelved for later.

He has no idea how long they stand there and just make out against the kitchen counter, but it still feels way too short when they finally pull apart again. Eddie is breathing hard, his heart is pounding in his chest, and he really, really wants to keep kissing Buck like that. He really wants to unbutton that shirt and peel Buck out of his clothes, too, but he probably shouldn't get ahead of himself.

"Okay, I have an idea."

Buck chuckles and leans in again. "Oh, I have plenty of ideas, too."

He dips his head to the side, and Eddie's knees decide to suddenly go weak when he feels Buck's teeth scrape softly over the sensitive skin of his throat. He fists his hands into the back of Buck's shirt and his head moves on his own accord, bending to give Buck better access. His jeans are getting uncomfortably tight, and they _really_ need to have a conversation about this before Eddie comes into his pants like a teenager.

"Fairly sure I'm a big fan of those ideas. How about for now, we order some food, because I'm really hungry. And while we wait for the delivery guy, we take this over to the couch, because that's far more comfortable. And once we're done eating..."

"...we'll take this somewhere even more comfortable," Buck says, and immediately leans in for another kiss. Eddie kisses back, hands scrabbling to get under Buck's shirt to get to the skin beneath.

It sounds like a plan he can work with.

The rest, they'll figure it out along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. I really hope you enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I'd be happy if you let me know what you think.


End file.
